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narfcon
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Birthday: 8/15/1986
Gender: Male
Interests: bitches, hos, ice, smack, bentleys, bustin caps
Expertise: Imbibery and related shit.
Message: message me
Member Since:
3/17/2003
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| http://www.antony.loveless.dsl.pipex.com/swear/Swearing2.htm | | |
| Hello all. It's August. My birthmonth... fairly exciting- no gifts please, cash will do nicely.
I hate Mind of Mencia. It's a stupid show with fairly obvious jokes and
unimaginative skits. I think a lot of it is Comedy Central trying to
latch on to the next big Hispanic comic, and really cash in on the
George Lopez mania that has been dominating pop culture these past three
years.
Yesterday I was in work, bored, and picked up a Cosmo that was lying
around. To my surprise, on the cover, in the top left hand corner in a
very prime spot, was a gaudy circle emblazened with "Sex Survey
Inside!". I was under the impression that Cosmo and sex survey were
mutually exclusive outside of Kinsey. Anyway, intrigued by the
possibility of a super-ultimate sex survey, rife with information about
how my libido works, how I can blame her when sex lasts eleven seconds,
and reassurance that my wildest and craziest sex fantasy is only
slightly off-color, I turned to page 130. So I'm reading it, and everything is so
laughable... I'm paraphrasing of course but it was a lot like this:
What's the part of you that you feel like your girl neglects the most: 63% Ear
Todd from Florida says: "Oh dude I totally cream myself when my
girlfriend rubs her butt on my ear.. I've talked to a bunch of bros and
we agree man, nothing is hotter"
What subject got you going the most down there (they can give detailed
advice on how to perform anilingus but they have to call a penis "down
there") in school?: 83% History
Giovanni from Idaho says: "Nothing gets me hotter than repeating
history. Sometimes I have her wear my mom's wedding dress and we
re-create history all night long. Totally mindblowing!!!"
Yeah... paraphrasing. You all know what I'm talking about though.
So Helen came this week. It was anticlimactic. We got to see a bunch of
the OC kids, had some jungle juice, saw Matt Deasey, Tito and JOP, and
got wasted on a Tuesday morning while watching church TV. Truly a
blessed occasion.
Warning: tirade ahead
We did encounter one particular instance of extreme and
concentrated
jungery in its worst form: racism. We went over to Tito's brother's
house, hung out with his brother who is a great guy, and had the
pleasure of meeting a charming young man named Jim Cavanaugh. Jim
stumbled into the house wearing a shirt with Calvin- of Calvin and
Hobbes fame- urinating on the French flag (I'm guessing that he didn't
know that John Calvin, the eponym for the former half of the comic book
series, was actually French and had a strong French following). I know
that hating France is
very en vogue right now- pardon the phrase- but in reality it turned
out that it was a shirt supporting Lance Armstrong's seventh
consecutive victory in the Tour de France. Now we all know that Lance
Armstrong hates France and his extreme athletic prowess is really just
a big vitriolic 'fuck you' to France, but what we all don't know, but
are about to find out, is that one can in fact don a Livestrong (tm)
bracelet and in fact be a shit-eating douche bag not worth the 2$ said
bracelet cost. He in fact returned from the bars, suprisingly not
because he couldn't stand the intense female attention, but because he
had vomitted all over himself before midnight, a fitting beginning to
his night, as everything he spat up after that also made him look like
an ignorant jackass. Anyway, I should mention that he in fact only put
some water on his shorts and stood around while he waited for them to
dry, which is
how this entire debacle started. I don't know where or how it all
began, but soon the conversation deteriorated into various racial slurs
and jokes. Now I personally think that stereotypes are funny... I have
never been and will never be offended by
drunken/potato/small-dick/incestuous Irish jokes. However I know not
all people feel the same
way about their respective race, and also that there is infinitely more
hate in the US directed towards other races than towards whites, so I
generally
am not a fan of ethnic jokes, especially when accompanied by racial
slurs, as they almost exclusively denote hate.
Anyway, this jackass goes into a whole slew of un-funny jokes and
slurs. Tito tells him it's not cool, and Helen and I show that we were
offended, which I think only spurred him on. The only one that
particularly caught my ear was this one:
Q: "What can a nigger never be?"
A: "An astronaut"
Now Jim's joke is almost as unfunny as it is untrue and offensive. But
I would be remiss if I didn't mention the things that his privileged,
white ass will never be, but that black people have all accomplished
under extreme discrimination, hate and prejudice, things he will
unjustly never have to experience:
(-Astronaut)
-Editor of the Harvard Law Review
-Mayor
-Governor
-Senator
-Head of State
-Secretary General of the UN
-Supreme Court Justice
-Secretary of State
I think one of the strangest and most disheartening things that I have
ever heard was also said that night. After I called him ignorant and
expressed disgust, he said to myself and Helen "Oh man... you're
blue-state fuckers aren't you?" After I proudly informed him that not only are
PA and NJ strongly Democratic states, I asked him if he really wanted
to ally racism and anti-Semitism with being a Republican, to which he
had no comment.
Anyway, sorry for ending that on a gloomy, angsty note, but I'll try to
lighten it up a bit before I go, with a joke that I think is especially funny,
given jokes our friend Jim made about the physical characteristics of Jews and Blacks:
Q: Jim, what is repulsive and noticeable and a hideous disfiguration you possess?
A: Not your personality or your bigotry, but that big fucking scar on your nose!
Hahahahaha... hahahah... hahaha.....Justice!
Good Songs: Cherry Monroe- Satellites; Better than Ezra- A Lifetime;
Jack
Johnson- Better Together; Caribou- Subotnik; Dave Matthews Band- Let you Down; John Butler
Trio- What you Want; My Chemical Romance- Helena; Weezer- Only in
Dreams; Helen Horal- Words Unbroken; Phish- Run Like An Antelope; Mum- Green Grass of the Tunnel
| | |
| Hello all. Sorry I haven't been around much. I dropped my laptop, it
made a smelly, nerve-gas smell, and then didn't turn on for a while. I
should have it back soon. Until then I'm using my mom's comp.
I have been working a lot, which helps assuage the boredom. It seems
that whenever I'm not working it's rainy out, and whenever I do work
it's hot and beach-y as hell. Consequently, save my left forearm, I'm
fairly pale. So for all you nay-sayers, it is the weather, and not my
heritage, that is stymying my tan.
Speaking of work, a few things have been bothering me lately.
1) There is a whole array of bad tipping, but a lot of the time it's
just greedy. Every once in a while I'll have a 19.XX order and get a
20, whatever. Not a big deal. But recently I've been getting 80, 90,
100, 150$ orders and receiving like 2 or 3 dollar tips. What the fuck,
America? When I bring you ten pizzas, easily capable of feeding 20 fat
people, why the 2$? 10 cents per person, does anyone ever think that's
a good tip? I used to tip 15-20% even before I relied on tips (which I
of course declare on April 15th), and now I tip like 25%, but this past
month I've been averaging like 7% tips over thousands of dollars worth
of deliveries. Fuck off New Jersey.
2) If I hear 'Collide' by Howie Day one more time on the radio, I think
I'll shit. This song is so trite and boring. I can't belive that less
than two years ago I lightly swayed back and forth to that very song
live. It's just so bad.
Also, "Ohio is for Lovers" by Hawthorne Heights sucks. Virginia is for
lovers, bitch. Ohio is for middle-America salt-of-the-Earth pride and
damningly slim majorities.
3) Every weekend there's this group of guys who have this house which I
frequently pass on my delivery route.They have this giant wooden board,
with "Honk if your [sic] horny."
For whatever reason, whenever I drive
by their house, they lean over their railing in anticipation, as if
leaning in for a better view would somehow enhance their ability to
hear a honk, and always turn back around as I go by. Now anyone who
knows/looks at/can smell me knows that I am a horny individual, those
who know me well know that I am not averse to honking. However, those
who know me very well know that I abhor poor grammar, which is exactly
why I refuse to honk. If I wasn't so sure it would detract from the
churlishness of their intention via the sign and resultant cheering and
fist-pumping, I'd love to obtain a can of spray-paint and correct their error. Until then, I will be vexed.
The other day I went back up to Jenkintown with my mom for the day. I
stopped in Bed Bath and Beyond for a few minutes to return a fan, at
which point I went to join my mother in a place called the "Stein
Mart", a place I had never heard of before, much less been in. I went
in and I couldn't believe my eyes. It was like a troop of Care Bears
exploded in there. Polyesters in every flourescent color possible.
Honestly, some of the most hideous clothing I've ever seen in my life,
and all marked down from laughably ridiculous prices to chucklingly
ridiculous prices. I left rejoiced though, then fully confident I
hadn't unintentionally ingested some sort of LSD, and also knowing that
I was finally privy to the knowledge of where old ladies buy their
flowered, be-ribboned hats and phosphorescent slacks.
Lastly, I recently drank my face off at a cop's house. Everything went
well until the Jager-bombs came out, at which point I blacked-out, got
locked in a bathroom for 45 mins, and proceeded to vom my brains out
all over Avalon, a much thicker, greener spirit I like to call a "Conor-bomb".
Anyway I guess I was overly paranoid about drinking with a cop, being
obviously underaged and what not. That night I had a dream, and it went
something like this:
Cop: Hey guess what? you're under arrest for underage drinking!
Me: Oh yeah? Well you're under arrest for serving alcohol to a minor!
That took him down a few pegs, especially when I placed him under
arrest and cuffed him, which was a rather daunting task, as I was
already cuffed myself, and holding a handle of Jager in my left hand.
That's all for now.
Good Songs: Hot Hot Heat- Middle of Nowhere; Ted Leo and the
Pharmacists- Bridges and Squares; David Berkeley- Fire Sign; Caribou-
Lord Leopard; Cassiotone for the Painfully Alone- Hey Elanor; State
Radio- Caesar; Maximo Park- Postcard of a Painting
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| I was listening to the radio because I had listened to just about every song on my MP3
player about 20 times, and I came across I song that I had certainly heard before, but
never really listened to. "Beverly Hills" by Weezer. Not the best song, but the lyrics got
me thinking, Charlottesville and the UVa bubble is very Beverly Hills-esque. So I
changed like 5 lyrics. Sing it along, it's a catchy tune
Where I come from isn't all that great
My automobile is a piece of crap
My fashion sense is a little whack
And my friends are just as jung as me
I didn't go to boarding schools
Preppy girls never looked at me
Why should they?
I don't play lacrosse
Got nothing in my pocket
Char-lottes-ville
That's where I want to be
(gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme)
Livin' in Charlottesville
Char-lottes-ville
Rolling like a celebrity
(gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme)
Livin' in Charlottesville
Look at all those frats and bars
They're all so beautiful and clean
When the pledges scrub the floors
They get the spaces in between
I wanna spend a semester like that
I wanna be just like a king
Take my picture with the clam
'cause I'm the next big thing
Char-lottes-ville
That's where I want to be
(gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme)
Livin' in Charlottesville
Char-lottes-ville
Rolling like a celebrity
(gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme)
Livin' in Charlottesville
The truth is I don't stand a chance
It's something that you're pledged into
And I just don't belong
No I don't
I'm just a new dorms beat down GDI
And I will always be that way
I might as well enjoy my life
And watch the stars play
Char-lottes-ville
That's where I want to be
(gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme)
Livin' in Charlottesville
Char-lottes-ville
Rolling like a celebrity
(gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme)
Livin' in Charlottesville
Char-lottes-ville x3
Living in Charlottesville
In all honesty, I fucking love Charlottesville, UVa, and I can't wait to get back. Maybe the
end of July
Good Songs: Dave Matthews Band- The Last Stop; Coldplay- Fix You; The Get Up Kids-
Action & Action; Gorillaz- El Manana; Juniper- Weatherman; Lou Barlow- Legendary
| | |
| I think that Dennis Miller would be a good rapper. Often I find myself
listening to hip-hop, or some other rap incarnate, and I'm marvellously
surprised by the "poetry" being spat. The subject matter is usually
rather superficial, and needlessly boastful, if not incendiary, however
often the way that the idea is presented is so well thought out that I
can't help but stand, mouth agape. It also seems to me that Dennis
Miller's various tangential tirades, if well-metered and
playa-personalized, could really add some pizazz to the rap world. I
saw 8 Mile! White people are good at this stuff!
Also, I've been wracking my brain recently, and I can't for the life of
me think of an evolutionary substantiation for the ability to cry as a
result of sadness.
I was watching a foreign film the other day, subtitled, of course,
and it occured to me that the word "no" is almost universal in Europe.
I couldn't really think of any other such words, but really, there
needn't be any others. If you were trapped alone on an island with a
bunch of arrogant Europeans, and you could only bring three words with
you, after "fucker" and "mother", your best bet would be to have "no"
in your back pocket. However, applying this idea to more realistic
scenarios, I think that, rather than
the contentious Balkans, the uncooperative French or those scheming
Czechs, the frequent and universal use of the word "no" is the root of
all of Europe's bickering and persnicketiness.
I figured out why I don't like little kids. Whenever you meet a kid
that you're forced to talk to, usually someone you're related to, you
have to momentarily retard yourself, erase a decade's worth of
vocabulary and adopt the logical mantle of whomever it is you have the
misfortune of "conversing" with. We've all seen baby talk, whatever
people are idiots, but speaking with toddlers or young children is even
more humiliating in my book. It's stressful too.
Cousin: Hey Conor, here's my baby, come play with it for an hour
Me: Yes. I am automatically interested in playing with this child
because it is related to me and am excited to act like an idiot for the
next hour. Show me to the coloring books. Obviously I need to change the inflection of my voice as well.
Anyway, I've stopped all that crap; We were playing poker with some 7
year old who went all-in on a 7-10 off suit, so, through fits of laughter I called him a big
loser to his face. I convinced my second cousin Andrew that his name
was Karl, until he was on the verge of tears. His brother ran through
our screen door last night, so I
told him we were going to have to sell their dog to pay for it.
I guess I'm a bully, but really these are the exact same things I'd
do to people my age of the same intelligence, and believe me I've met
all too many of them, with a more-or-less equal success rate. Don't get
me wrong, my little cousins are great, but little kids are
nearly universally stupid and generally unimpressive (So what if you're
5 and got a hole-in-one. Can you explain Heisenberg's Uncertainty
Principle and it's consequences with respect to modern Physics,
bitch?). Plus, dealing
with children is funnier this way, and I can save acting like a 7 year
old for binge drinking with people my age.
In closing, I would just like to say that I recently proudly celebrated
my first facebook anniversary. Facebook started off with a bang, and
though it sort of dropped off in utility after the first month, it
really finished strong toward the end of the year. "Facebook" has
become a word oft-used in collegiate parlance. Facebooking a person can
mean requesting them to be your "friend", or looking up their entire,
abridged life in order to judge and chastise your friend for a drunken
hookup with said person. Facebooking can also refer to the literal
pass-time (often drunken) of browsing through your peers, or
simply the profile, with spectacular picture accompanying, which may or
may not contain everything interesting about your life. Now that I've
established the various parts of speech, and hopefully the utility of
such a great invention, I hope you too will take it up if you're
currently resisting, and also understand how it's not creepy or unsubstantiated if I
facebook (friend request) you mere minutes after you registered an
account.
Good Songs: Mason Jennigns- Darkness Between the Fireflies; Jose
Gonzalez- Crosses; Juniper- Weatherman; Razorlight- Stumble & Fall;
The Album Leaf- Twenty Two Fourteen; Xiu Xiu- Clowne Towne; John Butler
Trio- What You Want; Patrick Park- Silver Girl; Richard Shindell- Cold
Missouri Waters; The Arcade Fire- Wake Up
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